I remember what i thought when I first saw him. i was intrigued. He looked better than others did. He seemed better than the others too. Perhaps that was when I should've known, perhaps that was the sign to not fall for such a man. Then again I look at him and think, 'you'd be a fool for ignoring that handsome face.' A fool. That I was but not because of my feelings but because i let him get away from me. A fool i am to lose him in this damned world.

The first day of college was scary, unlike anything I've felt. I knew no one and no one knew me. What scared me the most was that there was a high possibility of people not liking me. i almost puked over the anxiety that day. Since then it turned out that i would take people's stupidity over not been people's favorite any day. i thrived on attention regardless of who was the one giving it. That day I was one of the first ones to arrive and i sat away from those who already arrived. Perhaps it was the adrenalin but i don't remember much from that point on. Ah, though one thing i remember was i only met idiots that day.

Fast forward to a few weeks into college, I met my match of a friend. She was a fine art of human. Smart, beautiful, knew how to shut idiots anytime. I was content knowing i didn't have to act happy and fun around people anymore. she and I a perfect stack of dynamite for ourselves. Her name was unlike her personality. she had a name of a goddess. she was beautiful, but there wouldn't be a day i didn't catch her mulling over herself. In the end, It isn't her name that I ended up hating but her way of loving. It was scary and destroying. She once had a guy head over heels for her, broke his heart to the point he hated her then cried over losing such love and devotion that he had towards her. Her love destroyed good things in a person. such a person didn't deserve a goddess's name. at least that's what I thought. A bit more insight if I may add is that she cared for people who boosted her beauty and intelligence and hated those who were more gifted in such regards. She loved me for my insecurities. she loved me for my broken heart. She didn't love me when i got over my broken heart. Her love broke my doubts... probably the only good thing her love has ever done to a person. She didn't smile at me when i told her i had plans, that i think on my own now. Instead, we keep in touch no more.

In between all such idiocy there came a few friends who though I thought were useless taught me about first-time experiences and happiness more than the other one who was obsessed with herself. They did very little justice to my thoughts. It was just constant care or either revulsion that i held towards them. My feelings for those people who were more of a friend to me than anyone contradicted themselves. I ignored my subconscious telling me they'd leave me, thought it was an impossible thing but now i look back and wonder would have I survived if they didn't decide to leave me to my misery. To my dislike, the answer was me. The one living right now with no one to turn to. the one who was left to her misery and sadness. Me, who ended up being the biggest idiot.

*****The stars if you notice while reading are the words which I thought the readers wouldn't know.. if you know the words well then get along and read away but if you don't know the meaning scroll down and you'll see the meaning.. 

before I let you read I'd like to thank you for choosing to stay and read the mess of a story I made. hopefully, you'll like it more than I did. 

thank you.

Everyone might have experienced this or haven't i wouldn't know. But something that every average student has to go through is not being able to catch up with the lessons. Something i struggled with regularly during those days. The teachers barely cared about such students who weren't quick to get adjusted to this new place and conditions. Nonetheless, they cared even less about that one student whose mind was asking it to kill themself.

It could've been anyone. Me, or the one i called idiots or perhaps the one's whom i called my friends. But none of us cared. I was well and active with my friends and studies when life decided to give me a moment of epiphany*. A moment or perhaps a few more of such blissful epiphanies. Ceaseless Epiphanies of emotions. I should've known then. i should've known that it would end soon after i realize i wanted more. I wanted more of such stupid bliss.

I was at that reckless age where i wanted to kiss and wanted to be kissed. I wanted to fly and then wanted to plunge straight into deep waters, knowing the dangers of it i still wanted to do it. Such was his attraction. it made me feel like i was going over the speed limit and also felt as if everything was moving slow. i felt myself going insane over a guy i just met. It was dangerous yet safe. It was too little yet too much for me to take. I'd have known better then. i shouldn't have ignored the danger sign.

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5:30 AM present

I woke up from a nightmare, barely remembering the end of it when i got off the bed. Walking towards the bathroom i think of my schedule today.

cafe, lunch then I'll decide if I'll go to therapy or not.

The constant doubt about whether therapy was worth it or not. It seemed to help everyone but me. Perhaps it doesn't help when your problem is the therapist.

I looked at my reflection in the mirror. Bad hair, swollen eyes from crying myself to sleep, in total a complete mess. but.

"I love myself. you left everything bad because you love yourself," i told myself as i tried to fix my hair into a bun. Brushed my teeth when half away into it i remember his words.. "music will help you more than therapy" I let out a laugh as i walked back into my bedroom for my phone and AirPods. perhaps I don't need therapy anymore...

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*EPIPHANY: A SUDDEN MOMENT OF GREAT REVELATION OR REALIZATION.

I saw him during one of our snack breaks. He and his friends (a guess) walked out of their classroom while i walked out of mine. It was during that moment i laid my eyes on him. i was intrigued enough to look back as he walked down the stairs with his bunch. i can still remember what he wore that day, a white t-shirt which had pretty floral print and black jeans. He stood as tall as tall could go. In those few seconds, i forgot about my life, friends, and the guy who proposed to me a week ago.

Adam, talked a lot. He talks and that's about it. He told me i reminded him of chocolate that I was so sweet he could die because of it. He told me he had no prior relationship. He told me that he loved me the second he saw me laughing whenever he saw that i didn't care. He complimented me, something anyone rarely did.  That was more than what i asked for. I accepted his feelings for his words that he guaranteed were true. But none of his words compared to what i felt in those few seconds. I found something i didn't know i was looking for when i was busy losing my mind over him.

Though i never told my friends about my relationship i could see myself feeling glad about it. because now i liked a guy not because he told me he liked me but because he piqued my interest. i liked a person now. I told the three of my friends about my interests and their reaction peaked my anger. The so-called goddess didn't like him because he was more good-looking than her ex and she agreed about feeling jealous quite shamelessly. The other two just followed what she said and that was what made me angry.

Nonetheless in a span of a week, i found out he was an A grade student, who was every teacher's favorite. Not only that, i found out that his name was Lucas. I remember wishing that he'd know my name just like i knew his. That was the starting point of an unavoidable heartbreak.

I wished to do things with Lucas that i didn't wish to do with anyone else. Not even adam and his chocolate words. Adam was all words. He told me that he loved me the second day after i accepted his feelings. He told me he wanted to marry me the second time he told me he loved me. Lucas on other hand didn't have the slightest idea that he was making my day just by showing up to the college. At first, i truly thought "perhaps it's because you don't have a brother, and looking at him gives you a sense of protection? protection that a family member would give to another family member." but soon the mere thought of him as anything but my lover hurt. It hurt bad. Bad enough that i snapped at my friends for teasing me about it.

Adam was adamant about his way of loving. I still hadn't let go of him and the reason goes beyond my understanding. i should've let go of him and thought of only Lucas. But i couldn't bring myself to say those words to adam. With adam, you see i had the very first relationship with him. Perhaps it was that one thing that stopped me from breaking up with him.

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6;17 am present.

"you're late but guess what you're the boss." Luke,  the part-timer in my cafe sulked as he opened the door for me in mock respect.

kids these days..are so...

"my lady, if you please wear your apron then perhaps we'll get our work done." He kneeled down holding out my apron with both of his hands. i smiled as i took it from his hands. kids do be cute sometimes.

"I'll clean the shop, tables, and everything. It'll take time for Becca to come.. you know the usual her lazy arse." He speaks walking over to the small pantry room.

"I'll check the equips. also, I'm sorry. i was listening- never mind i just didn't mean to be late." i turn away afraid of his reaction. He laughed quite naturally dismissing my worry. I look at him smiling at me. Sometimes i worry about this kid. His innocence bothers me a lot. I try my best to smile back and he walked away.

"You know, sometimes i forget... but you really are my boss."

"LUKE!! GET YO *** HERE!!"